#will be posting soon but maybe tomorrow after rereading it with fresh eyes

[wispscribbles]

hehe, just wrote a ghostsoap one-shot and it’s maybe my fav one yet

[captain-kingliamsqueen]

Diary of A Star Crossed Lover Part 2

just a short series ...well not really a series...but still a series! , that ive been working on! there are a few series i’’ve had to put on hold as im just not feeling them right now, and i only want to put my best out for you to read! hope you enjoy this series as much as i have enjoyed writing it!

Pairing: Liam x Riley, Liam x MC

Summary: Liam dives into riley most inner thoughts and dreams...

Word Count: 2,655

Masterlist

ASK IF YOU WANT TAGGED! SORRY IF I MISSED ANYONE!

I always notice every single spelling mistake or issue after I’ve posted…so apologies in advance!

Tags aren’t working so I will be tagging in the comments. Ive tried to tag everyone, please don’t hesitate to msg and let me know if i forgot to tag you!

June 14th

Dear Diary…

Here I am…sitting in the middle of a foreign country…Cordonia, When Maxwell appeared at my apartment and asked me if I wanted to come to Cordonia and compete for Liam's hand in marriage…I mean…is there really a choice in the matter…stay and be a waitress for the rest of my life…come and have the time of my life, with an amazing guy! I’ve never been one to shoot my shot or anything, but this is a once in a lifetime chance, Liam is Amazing, Exciting and extremely handsome, how could I possibly say no?

Love you Muchly…Riley x

Liam placed Riley's diary down on the table as Drake entered his office.

“Drake” Liam greeted him.

“Hey, I just came to see if we’re still on for Poker night tomorrow?”

“I’ll have to postpone for about 30 minutes but we’re definitely still on for it!!”

“alright, I just wanted to check, I’ll let you get back to whatever it was you were doing”

After Drake left, Liam lifted the diary again.

June 26th

Dear Diary,

After the derby and the picnic today, we all went out for cronuts, I can’t believe they’ve never tried them! getting to spend some time with Liam was amazing, even though there were others there, just getting to be with him outside of the court was just amazing. My heart just about jumped out of my body, when we were sitting in the café, and I felt his fingers brush my hand, then his hand linked with mine, he gave it a gentle squeeze then smiled when I looked at him. God I love his smile!

Love you Muchly…Riley x

Liam smirked as he turned the page over,

June 27th

Dear Diary,

Today we are heading to Lythikos, Olivia’s neck of the woods. She has the upper hand here; I need to be careful. Well that’s what Max said anyway…I kind of like Olivia, she’s a strong, bold woman…I cant fault her for that, I mean of course she could be a little nicer but, I think she and I could maybe get along one day.

The thing that scares me about this whole situation…is I’m falling in love with Liam…but it doesn’t matter…its all down to who he chooses, so we could get to the end of the social season and he chooses one of the other ladies…I feel like a prize to be won…I’m not sure how I feel about that… I’m no one’s trophy, and I know there’s no ill intent on Liam's part, but in the end…it’s his decision that’s going to either make or break my life…if I am the one he chooses, I become his wife, the countries queen! But if he chooses someone else, I go home, with nothing, just the embarrassment of going home, known as the “foolish” woman who followed a total stranger to a foreign country after spending a few hours together, hoping he would fall in love with her. I want to believe he will choose me, he has never given me reason to think he wouldn’t, but at the same time, I have to be realistic, I have only known Liam for a matter of weeks…

If it’s a choice of fear or hope…I think ill choose hope, hope that Liam is feeling the same amazing connection that I am, from the moment we met I felt some kind of magnetic pull towards him, and I know he felt it too…I don’t want to live in fear of what might possibly happen, I want to have hope…that he’s falling in love with me too.

Love you Muchly…Riley x

 A frown found itself upon Liam's face as he reread the last entry, she was right…the ladies were basically put on a buffet table for him to take his pick of whoever he wanted… Riley had very rarely spoken about her thoughts if Liam wasn’t to choose her, was she really that scared that he wouldn’t and that’s why she didn’t mention it, or did she just have that much faith in him? he loved her from the minute they met, he would choose her over any woman in the world, without a pause for thought, it was always Riley, and he would spend the rest of his life, showing her, she was always the one, she will always be the one for him.

He turned the page over and began the next entry.

27th June

Dear Diary…

I’ve been here just about two weeks and my god, it is AMAZING! I mean, I wish I could spend so much more time with Liam but he says he has to spend time with the other girls too so it doesn’t look to obvious…I won’t lie, I won’t deny it…it makes me kind of jealous, I wish I could spend every day with that man, whenever I’m around him I just feel…free…I feel like I don’t have to hide anything, I don’t feel self-conscious, I don’t feel anxious, or nervous! He just makes me feel at peace. I’ve never felt so comfortable just being in a room with someone. We managed to sneak a kiss or two, I want to spend the rest of my life feeling the way his kisses make me feel. when Olivia kissed Liam…boy did my heart sink, I know he didn’t want to kiss her, he told me that himself, but seeing someone else kiss him just made me feel…some kind of way. He invited me up to his room after the ball, which I happily agreed to! I could never turn down more time with Liam. When I arrived at his room and he had lit candles oh my goodness, I don’t think ive ever had someone be that romantic…when I asked him and he blushed, my god! Liam and I spent ages in the hot tub, we kissed, we y’know…messed around a little bit and we had a real deep conversation about love, about life, Ive never seen him as relaxed than he was last night. Being in his arms…it just felt so right. When we got out of the hot tub and he made us hot chocolate to sit and drink Infront of the fire, its just turning 2am and I’m only just getting back, if I’d stayed any longer the two of us would have fell asleep, as much as we would have both loved that, it wouldn’t have looked very good anyone seen I was leaving Liam's room, in his clothes after spending the night with him then stayed over. Let it be known, if we could have…we would have.

Love you Muchly…Riley

 Liam grinned as he remembered that night all too well. That night he spent with Riley was one of the best nights he ever had.

June 27th

Riley sat with her eyes closed, cuddled into Liam's chest, with his arms wrapped around her. The hot bubbly, steamy water keeping them warm on the cold night. Liam pressed a gentle kiss to Riley's head “Riley?” he whispered, as he gently ran his hand through her hair. “yeah” she replied

“What does Love mean to you?” Liam gently traced his fingers over her cheek as he looked down to see her so relaxed. Riley opened her eyes as she looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile.

“Love means accepting you for who they are, and not wanting to change you. it means loving you and standing by you through the worst times. It means loving you even when you are in a bad mood, or too tired to do the things I want to do. It means loving you when you’re down, not just when you’re fun to be with. Love means, that I know you’re deepest secrets and do not judge you for them, asking in return that you do not judge me for mine, it means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love you enough not to let go, it means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly and hoping…just hoping that you feel the same way for me …I think Love is just a word…until someone comes along and gives it meaning, and when that someone comes along, Love becomes this…whole new adventure.”

“Riley…” Liam whispered with a smile as he leaned in placing the sweetest kiss on her lips, her fingers lacing through the hair on the back of his neck.

Not long later, Liam whispered, breaking the peaceful silence that the two had fell into.

“do you want to get some hot chocolate and we can sit in front of the fireplace?”

“that sounds like a great idea”

Liam climbed out of the hot tub, then offered Riley his hand to help her out. She thanked him as he lifted a towel and wrapped it around her, then got himself one.

“I don’t have any dry clothes Liam; I only have my dress”

“I’m sure I have something you can put on” Liam assured her. They made their way into Liam's bedroom; Liam went to his suitcase where he pulled out a t shirt and a pair of shorts.

“I hope these are alright for you”

“they’re perfect, thank you”

Riley moved into the bathroom where she changed out of her soaking undergarments and into the fresh, dry clothes then she made her way back into the bedroom. Liam was in a pair of grey shorts and a plain white t shirt; he was stood in his little kitchenette just finishing the hot chocolate. He brought them over to Riley, placing them on the floor beside where he had sat some cushions on the floor for them. Riley sat down, whilst Liam grabbed a blanket from the bed, he sat beside Riley, wrapping his arm along with the blanket around her.

The two spent the next while sipping away at their hot beverages.

By the time the clock hit 1am, there were two empty mugs, Riley sat cuddled into Liam's chest, drifting in and out of sleep. Whilst Liam sat running his fingers through Riley's hair, their legs entangled under the blanket that had made its way round to lay over their legs, Liam could barely keep his eyes open.

“we can’t fall asleep” he whispered as he held her that little bit tighter.

“I know…we’re just resting our eyes for a little bit” Riley smiled tiredly “I should head back to my room soon”  

“I wish you didn’t have to; I could lay here with you all night”

“me too, but sadly it’s the way it has to be”

Liam nearly caved that night; it took everything he had in him to stop himself from just climbing into bed and falling asleep beside the woman he was falling deeply in love with. With a grin on his face just thinking about the night, he closed the diary over, then he got up and headed out of his office and down to the royal quarters. He always had this diary with him, every chance he got, he would read a page or two. He wanted to really understand how Riley felt through the whole social season and engagement to madeleine.

Liam had made plans to have dinner with Riley, well made plans as in, on the plane after they got engaged Liam told Riley, they would never have to eat dinner alone again, so every night since and every night going forwards the two had dinner together. Once Liam got to the apartment, he showered then changed into some more comfortable clothes before heading down to Riley's room where one of the staff would be bringing the two take out. Liam and Riley sat on the sofa, with the tv on in the background whilst they ate.

“so, I was thinking about wedding cake earlier” Riley stated as she put a shovel of Chinese noodles into her mouth

“really? You have something in mind?”

“Lemon cake…” she grinned

“that’s a great idea, I think it will go down really well with everyone!

“I was also thinking maybe we could go for a walk on the beach after dinner, if you don’t have any engagements that is”

“nope, I cleared the night, I would love to go for a walk on the beach with you”

After the two finished their food, they wrapped up and pulled their shoes on then headed down to Liam's car, with Bastian following closely behind in the SUV, they made their way to the beachfront.

“it’s so cold…but it’s so peaceful” Riley whispered, she squeezed Liam's hand as she cuddled into his side.

“so, I’ve been reading your diary” Liam whispered

“you have?” Riley grinned with a soft blush hitting her cheeks.

“I have, I wasn’t going to, I wanted to respect your privacy, but then…I wanted to fully understand what you went through, how you felt.”

“so how far have you got?”

“just earlier today I was reading about the night we spent in the hot tub in lythikos”

Riley smirked when he mentioned it. “one of the best nights I had, that was one of the first nights I felt truly connected to you, we had no interruptions, no engagements, he really talked and got to know each other a little better… just us”

“me too” he smiled as he squeezed her hand.  

The two sat down on the sand, Riley sat between Liam's legs leaning back into his chest.

“do you have it with you?”

“your diary?”

“yeah” she smirked

“yes, I have it”

“we should read some”

“right now?”

“yeah right here, whilst we have peace and quiet”

Liam pulled the small book from the inside pocket of his jacket. He flipped the book open and began to read.

 June 29th

Dear Diary

I had the best day at the beach, there was a sailing competition, then we spent the day on the sand, I got burnt to a crisp and I don’t even mind! Liam hates sailing, when he told me he only really takes part because his father’s love for boats is most important than his dislike for them! He is so selfless and kind…ive never met anyone that would put as many people before themselves as he does. He’s a really good man! What I did learn though, is my hopefully soon to be husband doesn’t like the taste of salt water, I’m not surprised!

Liam chuckled as he remembered his awful boat ride with Drake.

Today was the day Liam found out his father would be stepping down as king at the end of the social season, meaning, he would be choosing a wife and becoming king all at the one time. I really felt for him, his profession can’t be easy, being rushed into finding a wife, then being told he only had a few weeks before he would have the weight of the kingdom on his shoulders, it’s an extremely stressful situation and I hope I have shown him, that if he ever needs someone to just sit and listen or just distract him for a little bit, I will be there, no matter what.

Liam took me to the forgotten falls, my god it was absolutely stunning there, and the story behind it was just…wow! Two people forbidden from falling in love with each other…sounds all too familiar…though I’m sure Liam and I won’t let anyone get in our way. When Liam said he wanted us to take the leap of faith off the edge of the waterfall, I couldn’t say no!

When he kissed me in the water…my god, it was like no other kiss ive had before! Then he nearly said he loved me…god I wish he had…because I love him too.

Love you muchly…Riley x

[dawnquafam]

“Thanks to immortality, I can literally hate myself forever.” -Peter Quill

A 2200+ word one-shot based on this post. Mostly the museum, planet, and Loki and Peter part, with a slight alteration for angst purposes now that I’m rereading it. I nearly made myself cry writing this - I never cry at my own work. And I’m tagging @the-flightoficarus as promised.

Summary: Loki and Peter are enjoying a quiet night, reminiscing the good ole days, when they’re interrupted. It’s a routine thing, nothing Peter and Loki aren’t used to, but it goes so, so wrong. (Not slash, but you could probably read it that way if you wanted to.)

Warnings: Vague mention of torture, major character death, mega angst

Peter was making one of his nightly rounds through his museum that honored the heroes he had once been friends with. There were dozens of rooms, showcasing the heroes in groups based on bonds – for example, Steve, Bucky, and Sam were in one room; Wanda, Pietro, and Vision another; and Thor and Valkyrie’s statues in another, with one pedestal empty and waiting. All of the rooms had the same wooden walls and white tile floor, but the base of each statue was decorated according to personality. He knelt now in front of Gamora’s statue, whose pedestal was black with pictures of various swords on it. A kid had vomited on her leg, and he was working to clean it up.

“Don’t you have janitors for that?” someone teased.

Peter chuckled wryly, glancing over his shoulder at Loki. The prince had aged well over the last four thousand years – his hair was snow white but still impeccably styled, and he had very few wrinkles outside of laugh lines. His sense of style hadn’t changed since Peter first met him all those centuries ago – elaborate black and deep green leather, with gold accents.

“You know she’s different, Loki.”

Loki smiled in understanding, glancing around the room. Nebula stood beside her sister, with Drax, Groot, Rocket, Mantis, and Yondu lining the other walls. There had been more Guardians over the years, but Peter saved this room for the originals. “I know,” Loki said.

“Were you just visiting Thor and Val?” Peter asked, wiping off the final spot of vomit. He set to disinfecting it.

Loki nodded. “I miss them,” he murmured.

Letting his power flow into the statue, Peter repaired a couple damaged spots on her leg, then stood, brushing his hands off. “I miss them, too.”

“You look like you could use some fresh air,” Loki observed, jerking his head towards the exit. “Come on.”

“That’s rich, coming from an old man who looks more fragile than a house of cards. A gust of wind could blow you over,” Peter retorted lightly. He blew Gamora a kiss before following Loki, walking through a maze of memories before they made their way outside.

Outside looked exactly like Missouri – Loki liked to complain that Peter should’ve made the planet far more extravagant, like an Asgard 2.0. But Peter was the one who had spent two thousand years building this place, and he preferred the rolling green hills, vibrant blue skies, and lively ponds of his home state. The duo hiked up one of these hills now, Peter helping Loki along – setting Peter’s favorite tree atop a steep hill had seemed like a better idea when Thor, Val, and Loki were young enough to climb easily. But Loki refused to let him change, and after a few minutes, they were settled on opposite sides of an old picnic table. Stars shimmered above them.

Loki shivered a little, hugging himself. Peter frowned, and a moment later, a warm breeze sprang up. “Thanks,” Loki said, tilting his face into it.

“You really are old,” Peter said, his tone a mix of concern and trepidation. It was easy, sometimes, to forget that Loki would soon follow his brother and wife into death’s clutches. He had been a constant in Peter’s life for four thousand years – his best friend. And when he was gone, Peter would be the last one alive who had lived alongside anyone in that museum.

Loki lifted his gaze to the stars. “I can hear them, sometimes, Thor and Val. And my parents.”

Peter winced, dropping his gaze to the table. “How long has that been happening?”

“A few days.” Loki looked at Peter again. “They’re still faint, Peter. I have some time left.”

“That’s…” What? Nice? He has every right to want to reunite with his family. Thor’s been dead a century, Val another three. “Thanks for the warning.”

Loki reached out and took his hand. A few thousand years ago, they never would’ve done that, but with Loki’s looming death and Peter’s circumstances afterwards… Well, they had stopped caring about such things. “I wish I could stay, Peter.”

“No, you don’t,” he said gently, squeezing Loki’s hand. “As much as you see her in your daughter, you miss Val.”

Loki took a breath to argue, but he just sighed. “True. I’ll even admit that I miss Strange.”

Peter laughed. “You two were sassing each other all the way to the end.”

“We were,” Loki said fondly, memories flickering through his eyes. “I guess what I meant was that I wish I wasn’t leaving you alone.”

“Don’t feel guilty for the inevitable,” Peter told him. “Don’t regret dying. You’ve lived your life.”

Loki smiled. “You’re brave, Peter. I don’t think I could face what you are.”

Finally, Peter looked skywards, letting himself take comfort in the night’s beauty. “It helps to live in the moment.”

Loki pulled his hand back, still uncomfortable with prolonged contact. Even now, the torture he’d been through between Thanos’s control and his own actions still haunted him. “I’m glad we got to know each other, Peter.”

“Yeah,” Peter agreed. “It’s been a great few thousand years, buddy.” A smirk grew on his face. “Remember that time when we filled Thor’s room with balloons and then they all stuck to him?”

Loki burst into laughter. “Gods, he was so annoyed. But he still let one stick around, for the kids’ amusement. Called it his crown for the day.”

“He destroyed us in battle practice the next day,” Peter recalled. “So worth it.”

“Completely. Also, do you remember-”

“Star-Lord! Star-Lord!” a young voice called, panicked.

Peter was on his feet in an instant, spinning around to see a young Kree girl running towards them from the village. He jumped to the bottom to meet her, Loki following with a burst of magic to soften his landing. Peter knelt to look her in the eye. “What is it?” he asked calmly.

She was panting, tears in her eyes. “There’s a man, back in my village, and he’s got a blaster-”

“Which village, sweetheart?”

“Kevin Bacon Town.”

Peter nodded, straightening up. “Loki, stay with her. I’ve got this.”

“Hey, wait-” Loki started protesting.

Peter leapt into the air, flying away before Loki could continue. He wouldn’t risk Loki’s life, not unless it was absolutely necessary. He powered along, wind whipping through his curls, until he was hovering over KBT. It was one of the larger refugee villages, complete with white houses, a sprawling school, and a glittering shopping center.

The problem was immediately apparent – a crowd had gathered outside the pharmacy. A man stood in front of it, waving around a blaster. He had a young woman pinned in his grip, and she was desperately begging him to let her go. Peter landed carefully, holding up one hand in surrender and gesturing the crowd back with the other. “What seems to be the problem here?”

The man bared crooked teeth. He looked human, with scraggly blond hair, white skin, and beady brown eyes, but he could’ve been Asgardian or Xandarian, too. His clothes were in rags, suggesting he was new to the planet. “This witch ain’t givin’ me what I want.”

Peter recognized her. She was pink and plump, her normally-wide eyes now like moons of terror on her face. “Her name is Sandaria,” Peter informed the man. “What’s yours?”

“Shut it,” he snapped. “I jus’ want my meds.”

“Well, why won’t she give them to you?” Peter inquired.

“Says I ain’t got no prescritor or whatever,” he growled. “I jus’ want my meds!”

“Ok, ok,” Peter said, edging forward carefully. “You new here?”

“Maybe.”

“All right, you may not know this then, but you need a doctor’s appointment first,” Peter informed him, still inching forward. “Once the doc confirms you need the medicine, then Sandaria here will happily provide it. So why don’t you just put the gun down-”

“Stop moving!” he shrieked, firing off a shot. Peter froze, squelching down the ever-present instinct to dodge, waiting to take the hit before a bystander could. Unlike them, the shot wouldn’t kill him – but it would hurt like hell.

A shield of emerald light blocked it.

Peter whipped his head around. Loki stood behind him, arm outstretched, the little girl sheltering behind him. “I’m not dead yet, Quill,” he muttered.

“Never said you were.”

“No, but you implied I would be if I helped. I resent that.”

“I don’t care. Go!”

“No.”

Peter groaned – why were Asgardians so damn stubborn? “Fine. But next time-”

“Yo!” the man exclaimed. “I still have a hostage!”

Loki rolled his eyes. In a heartbeat, another wave of green shimmied in between Sandaria and the man, wedging them apart. He lost his grip. The magic wrapped around her and carried her off, placing her safely in the crowd. Then it yanked the blaster from his hand, putting it safely in Loki’s, and turned into some cuffs and rope to keep him from escaping.

“And I, Prince Loki of Asgard, was in the middle of a conversation.”

“Didn’t your mother ever teach you it’s rude to interrupt?” Peter joked, turning to the crowd. “All right, show’s over, everybody go home! You ok, Sandaria?”

The pharmacist nodded, thanking him while her friends led her away. Peter smiled, waving after her and playfully blowing her a kiss. He dealt with rough situations for her often, though usually nowhere near as potentially deadly, so they were good friends. “I’ll come by tomorrow to check on you!”

“P-peter-”

Peter turned back to Loki.

His smile vanished.

Red light pressed against the blaster he held, shoving its barrel towards Loki while pinning it in his grip. Loki pushed against it, both with his hand and magic, but it was barely working. Common sense screamed to knock out the red magic’s user, but Peter panicked – he just grabbed the blaster and pulled.

“No no no,” Peter muttered desperately, throwing his weight into pulling.

“You’re not the one about to die!” Loki snapped, half-hysterical. “I don’t want to- not yet- not now- please-”

One of Loki’s wrists broke with a snap. Loki screamed. Peter fumbled, almost releasing the blaster on instinct, and that was all the magic user needed.

The blaster snapped around. It shot Peter in the shoulder. He fell with his own scream. Between Loki’s broken wrist and the sudden disappearance of Peter’s strength, the blaster easily swung back to its original victim.

With a bang, it shot Loki in the chest.

“No!” Peter shrieked. He scrambled to Loki’s side, now flat on his back, pressing shaking hands against the smoking wound in his chest. “No no no no, stay with me!”

Blood was dripping from Loki’s mouth, splattering out in hoarse, weak coughs. He didn’t even have the strength to tremble. His eyes were wide, blank from shock. “Val…”

“Loki, no, it’s Peter,” Peter sobbed. “Please- not now-”

The ghost of a smile dawned on Loki’s face. He still seemed to be staring at nothing. “Mom.”

“LOKI!” Peter screamed.

Suddenly, Loki’s gaze focused on him. “Peter… It’s ok.”

“No, you can heal this, you can,” Peter insisted.

Loki shook his head, the movement hardly a twitch. “I lied earlier… I never had more than a couple days left… I’m sorry, it’s still a habit…”

“It’s ok,” Peter said with forced brightness. “It’s ok, I forgive you, I don’t care. Just- just stay with me, please.”

Weakly, Loki lifted a hand to pat Peter’s cheek. He closed his eyes with a sob, leaning into the contact. “Goodbye, Peter,” Loki breathed.

Slowly, his hand slid away. His shuddering chest stilled. His eyes drifted shut.

With one last exhale, Loki left him, too.

Peter caught his hand and threw his head back, wailing to the sky. The agony was wordless, because how could he express it? His best friend of four thousand years had just died bloody because Peter failed him. Peter had just failed the last true friend he had in the worst way possible.

All he could do was scream until his throat was raw, not caring that he had a growing audience.

Gradually, maniacal laughter reached through his haze. Peter focused on it, squinting through tears, until his gaze landed on the man. He was cackling, red light still twining around his fingers. “Man, that was easy,” he gasped between laughs. “Assassinating a prince for funzies was always on my bucket list.”

For the first time in thousands of years, Peter snapped. He threw his hand out, tearing a boulder from the ground. With a violent jerk of his arm and a roar of rage, he smashed it into the man’s head.

If the man died with terror on his face, Peter would never know. There wasn’t enough face left to tell.

And suddenly, Peter felt empty. There was no killer to catch. He was too existentially exhausted to scream.

He just crumpled over Loki’s body, pressing their foreheads together. Tears continued sliding from his eyes, but no sound accompanied them. He just cried silently over his already icy body, clutching fistfuls of the familiar leather tunic.

After four thousand years of immortality, Peter was finally, truly alone, thanks to his own stupidity.

Even millions of years later, he never set foot in Kevin Bacon Town again.

[datinginthedot]

New year, old relationship

I originally wrote this post on November 4th, the two month mark of my relationship with Mr. Handyman. I was absolutely smitten and never ended up posting it as we were were just too infatuated with each other to spend a moment apart. HE was my priority- not my silly little dating blog!

After everything that has transpired this past weekend (spoiler alert) I feel incredibly upset rereading this. What happened!? 

At the time this is how I felt and what I wrote:

No one wants to hear me win and have the best life. No one wants to hear about our passionate make out sessions or him being the absolute sexiest [handy]man in the world… no one wants to hear how he gazed into my eyes and told me all the things he loved about me. No one wants to hear how I’m in a very happy place in my life having a normal time doing normal relationship things with a normal guy (read: better than average ie great).

But if you do care to hear about some of my success in the dating world you can continue to read on.

Everything between me and Mr. handyman has been a dream. I've never been with someone quite as attentive and caring towards me. He doesn't need to tell me how much he loves me, although he has (more on this later) because I can feel it through his touch and actions. When we go out he lets me be the life of the party. He may be more reserved but he's the ying to my yang. He listens to my every word and legitimately cares to hear what I have to say. The mutual respect is strong and I never have to question our level of trust.

What I like most is the amount of quality time we spend together. We can see each other for five days in a row and there is never a dull moment. Whether we are going to a concert/event together, watching a movie, going for cocktails or buying a TV from Best Buy everything is so effortless. In fact, I kind of like the mundane moments the best. I LIKE going grocery shopping/cooking and driving around in his truck. I LIKE the way he wants to hold my hand while driving. Or the way our knees are touching when we eat dinner or the massages he’ll give me while watching a movie. He is so absolutely adorable and makes me feel so genuinely loved. Plus he looks like an Italian male model so I'm also fine with that.

Sometimes I think— that's it, i've won the game (the game being dating). It's pretty soon- but in this month so many things of happened. We have practically spent almost every day together and this is not something I see ending anytime soon.

Plot twist: Earlier today, we broke up.

To be honest, the wound is fresh but I feel like writing this post will help me come to terms with it.

The bottom line is that my intellectual needs were not being met. I live for stimulating conversation about big-picture ideas and just enjoy general discussion. Something I mentioned to him on more than one occasion.

That said, you can’t change someone. Nor did I want to.

After landing my dream job at the end of a five-week-contract (officially beginning Jan 3rd) my life has changed. I have serious goals and am surrounded by highly motivated individuals.

My goals do not revolve around living on my moms couch, smoking cigarettes/weed on a frequent basis or ‘thinking goals are stupid’.

I strive to be the best I can be in all aspects of my life. I want to surround myself with inspiring people who can add value to my existence and achieve my personal vision of success before I’m 30. I recognize where I am now and where I need to be... and I will get there.

During our relationship I noticed that whenever something important happened to me, the first people I wanted to tell were my friends... not my boyfriend red flag #1. The reason being that he would probably just respond with “cool” or his classic “I don’t know” said with the intonation of a grumpy 12-year-old boy.

I wanted more out of my relationship yet at the same token couldn’t expect him to change. To be fair, he had been consistent from the day I met him in regards to intellectual curiosity. What made me think he would suddenly develop a mental tenacity to learn now?

The straw that broke the camels back was this past New Year’s. He invited me to his house for a house ‘party’.

Earlier that day, I came to the realization of just how empty I felt. Despite being a in a relationship I was mentally lonely. Over the day my feelings transpired into resentment. It didn’t help that I met someone in a coffeeshop with my mom (lol) that sparked my intellectual curiosity. He engaged me in a conversation that checked off all of my ‘ideal conversation’ boxes. We talked at a high-level about the acceleration of technology, societal advancements, human-nature, the future of design and travel. For the first time in months I felt like I was having a conversation with another male that was adding value to my life. Though there was no sexual attraction I still gave him my number to continue our conversation. We are meeting for coffee tomorrow. But I digress, the point is- the lack of engaging conversation in my relationship made me feel resentment.

My feelings were brewing and by the time I arrived to the ‘party’ (which encompassed Mr. Handyman's MOM, fabulous brother, stunning sister and a sprinkling of friends) I was beside myself. 

For starters, I walked into a silent room of everyone about to do some orange-flavoured jello-shots. The vibe was just off. I sat at the kitchen table camouflaged with almost every carbacious finger food under the sun. Handyman’s mother was a cooking machine constantly replenishing the spring rolls, mini spinach quiches and cheesy ‘za. 

I noticed that every 10-15 minutes everyone would go outside to smoke weed and cigarettes. Because I wasn’t interested in either I stayed inside making small talk with the mom. The cycle of indoor snacking sessions followed by miserable smoking ones continued. I hung around for just short of 2 hours.

This ‘party’ was simply DISMAL. That’s the only way to put it. The look on everyone’s face was somber and I’ll never forget looking at one of the friends who stared at the ground mouthing the lyrics to an Anti Rihanna song while stirring the straw in her blue solo cup glumly.

This last week our relationship was strained (re: Christmas festivities) and due to my pent up hostility, sitting at that table I could feel myself on the verge of exploding. I was shaking out of anger. WHY WAS I THERE?! WHAT VALUE WERE THESE DEADBEATS BRINGING ME?!

I could go on forever about all of the nuances that made my blood boil but ultimately at 10:45pm I had to leave. I seriously HAD to. It wasn’t an option to stay. I rather make a clean break than burst into tears ruining my perfectly-applied glitter and double-stacked lash NYE makeup. I didn’t consider the feelings of my ‘boyfriend’, his mother or quite frankly any of the other individuals at the party.

I called an Uber and luckily when no-one was on the porch I made my getaway. 

After I departed, nine missed phone calls were interspersed with the following messages. I made sure to turn off location sharing immediately:

Maybe I should have answered, or even responded with a cool ‘I had to leave. Let’s talk tomorrow’ text. But I did not. I went to my friends house where I proceeded to do a scandalous outfit change from my nun-style dress to some plunging-neckline Kim K body con realness.

I felt great.

The rest of my night was great.

I woke up to the following two texts:

*You’re

In contrast with:

...Skeptical of the “1/2″ numbering scheme (do people still have text messaging limits in 2017?!) I appreciated the message from the guy I had met at the cafe.

Back to the topic at hand: Later today Handyman came over to drop of the keys he had to my apartment (long story short he had my moms spare) along with the bar tools I accidentally left at his house in my hasty exit.

Finally convincing him to sit down we talked it out. 

I didn’t mean to be wishy-washy but it was hard in the moment. I explained how I wasn’t happy... yet I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted to break up yet I also longed to hug him. 

He was PISSED. He explained how everyone at the party viewed me as a ‘controlling bitch’ because I made the sentiment “you can smoke all you want... I just won’t date you” alongside other uncalled for remarks.

Do I regret my actions? Absolutely not. The relationship ran it’s course and he was not adding value to my life.

Was I wildly attracted to him? Absolutely. But his intellect was lacking for me. I’m not saying he wasn’t smart but in the context of engaging discussions... simply put, there were none. I didn’t even care WHAT he talked about, I just wanted to feel close to him in some verbal capacity! I tried to watch movies and spark a preceding conversation. Nope. Send articles to discuss, nope. Talk about current events.. again, just nothing.

Breakups are never easy. There is no ‘good way’ to do it. It was hard seeing him burst into uncontrollable tears sobbing wildly into my neck. Tugged at the heart strings if you will. Cue the waterworks on my end. In fact cut to both of us sobbing- kleenex’s being pulled out of the box by the dozen. Thanks Costco! It was disorderly!

After a long poignant embrace by the door, I kissed his cheek softly and said goodbye.

I feel bad for the guy. He has a heart of gold but we just weren’t a great match. I think our best lives consisted of different things. I wasn’t happy and I didn’t want to change him. I think that’s fair! Moreover, I didn’t want to lead him on any longer after my realization.

I also recognized that the second I felt more negative emotions coming to the forefront than positive ones... I know a change needed to occur.

Though I suspect our grieving processes will be vastly different from one another I truly hope he is okay. Like I said, I do not hold any animosity towards him but the thought of him with another girl makes me feel sick.

But hey, I think that’s normal.

On the positive side thanks to Mr. Handyman for installing my TV, painting my wall, putting up a hook in my bathroom, making me a custom cutting board and most sentimentally, spending over 30+ hours carving me a beautiful heart shaped box for Christmas...

Fuck I miss him.